Amid a stillness profound as death... enshrouded in the sky and the sun that burns the flesh, you are vanishing as you go.
What is it that I seek amid this wandering? What for myself, all alone
I remember the night Lily and James died. It was so still. Too still. The day was hot and the sun felt like it scorched the flesh on my bones. The night was almost as still as death, despite the kids running around, trick- or treating.
The day he went after Pettigrew was like that too. Too hot and too still. Rank with horrible possibilities and distrust.
He got thrown in prison that night, and I was left more alone than I had been since I was eleven.
I remember the night Sirius died clearly as it was yesterday. I remember watching as he fell through the veil, disappearing as he went. I remember not being able to do anything, except keep Harry from going through after him. And those were the exact words I thought as I saw it happening: Alone, again.
I keep looking for him, though, as if he weren’t really gone. I’ve never been much of a Seeker though, so my search always is in vain.
But I don’t want to be alone, so completely alone, like I was in first year, like I am now.
Even if you despise yourself from within the depths of frigid eyes still clutching at the hatred,
the pain will not, cannot be stifled.
Embracing that eternally living sorrow,
I remember seeing him after he escaped from Azkaban. He was so old, his eyes so haunted. He hated himself for suggesting Pettigrew, that was for sure. I also believe he hated himself for not trusting me. There’s so much pain there that it was hard to go back to how things were before. How we were before.
I don’t blame him for not trusting me. I mean, Merlin, I am a werewolf. A Dark Creature. Naturally, the first one to suspect of falling into Voldemort’s clutches. But he hated himself for it.
So, he went and did something rash, showing up at the Ministry like that. Yes, Severus goaded him, but I don’t think he was trying to prove anything to Severus Snape. I think he was still trying to prove himself to me, though it was I who should have proved my allegiance to him, Dumbledore, and the Order, instead of letting them suspect me.
Or maybe he was trying to prove that he trusted me, and if that’s the case, then I failed him. I couldn’t save him.
There was nothing I could do.
I cannot help still remembering that vanished person whom once you were,
and my unwavering, unchangeable feelings toward you:
Deeply, deeply, even now...
Yeah... I love you.
He was barely the person I knew in school, yet, he was there. Yes, even after 12 years in Azkaban, that was still the man I fell in love with. I was still as much in love with him as I was when I was 16. My feelings never changed.
Illumined by the moonlight, even the feel of your name, hummed beneath
my breath, is snatched away and extinguished by the wind.
On the nights of the full moon, I remember how he kept me sane, a friendly voice, a friendly smell, among all the chaos that assaulted my senses.
But you’re not here anymore, are you? You can’t help me keep my mind, as you used to. Instead, your name, your scent, your voice echoing off these haunted walls make me as insane as the full moon does. Because, no matter how I look, you’re not coming back, are you?
You’ve been snatched away like flame in the wind. Snatched and extinguished.
And I’m alone once again.
I kept singing that song for you, the one you taught me as you smiled at the dawn;
and I kept on counting the tears that returned to the starry sky;
again and again and yet again, the nights merely repeated themselves--
Deeply, deeply, even now...
Yeah...I love you.
Once, I though I heard a voice in the halls, his, singing a Japanese song that we both loved. Hoshi no something. The name translated roughly to “Stardust.” I heard it, though.
The only Japanese I know is from that song. The last couple lines. And that’s what I heard, Sirius’ voice singing:
Fukaku, fukaku, ima mo
Sou.. ai shiteru.
Deeply, deeply, even now,
Yeah.. I love you.
And I sang along. Hearing that made me feel not so completely alone.
Yeah, I love you, too, Padfoot. Even now.